Feeling Like a Failure

So I was reading the journal of one of my College classmates this morning. Even now he still makes me feel insignificant and he's not even in the same city as me. He was always good at making me feel like the biggest loser on earth. I don't even know why he hated me. I don't know what I ever did to deserve the treatment he gave me. Now I read his journal every so often and his life post-college couldn't be better. He's got a fabulous job that he absolutely loves and apparently a wonderful girlfriend. He talks about all the road trips he goes on and all the fabulous things he does at work. He has the perfect life.

When I think back to how it was in College he and a few of the other guys in class kept to themselves. They wouldn't help anyone. Their attitude was that if they didn't help us then they knew we weren't competition for them. They wanted nothing to do with the rest of the class. They were talented enough they didn't need any of us or the teachers. They were pretty awful to most of the other people in my class. I always believed what goes around comes around but apparently I've been misguided.

In his words I see what I should have been. Instead I'm a failure at 27. I've gotten nothing, gone no where and I don't even have anyone in my life so that I can say that there's a brightside.

I'm a disappointment to my parents. I have two degress and a diploma and I can't get a job. I was so sure that Multimedia would lead me to a real job that I would love. It hasn't. I just wasted 3 years of my life and 15000 dollars to prove that I am in fact never going to make it as anything but what I am...a mindless spinster retail counter monkey. No matter how hard I try and escape I always end up back here again.

I'm at the end of my rope. I'm not sure what to do anymore. Things at work get worse day by day. I've applied to plenty of jobs but I never get interviews anymore. I've changed my resume three times in the last four months. I've even had Karen, with all her new HR skills look it over and my cover letters before I send them.

Everytime I come across a job on the net that sounds perfect for me I think, this is it. This is my chance. That it's finally my turn. That I'm going to get a way out.

A few weeks ago I learned of a 1 year contract in the department I used to work in at the College I was SO excited! I was sure this was the miracle I'd been hoping for to get me away from my abusive boss. But then I found out that a guy from another department is applying for it internally so I will never get the opportunity to apply. I sent my resume in but I know that it's just more false hope. There will be no escape for me.

All my efforts are in vain. I should just give up and accept that this is what my life will be.

2004 has been the worst year of my life. I wish I could say that once it's over things will get better but I know better than to believe the difference between one calendar year and the next is going to make my life better.

I really don't have anything to be living for. Nothing makes me happy. I wake up every morning feeling sad and depressed and wish with all my heart I didn't have to go to that miserable job.

I've lost everything that makes life worth living. So why am I even here anymore?